Define Normal

It has occurred to me that I don’t think I actually know what normal is supposed to feel like.  What happy is supposed to feel like.  After seeing my new therapist last week i haven’t been able to stop thinking about something she said…. she said that I was raised in a house with so much chaos and toxic behavior that I do not know how to live in a different environment.  My past boyfriends were very toxic and abusive.  And I stayed with them …. despite the treatment I received.  But I finally met a man who loves me unconditionally.  Like story book love…Cinderella love.  And at the age of 40 I finally said I do.   I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop.  For everything to go wrong… to blow up…. but it hasn’t.  Even in the midst of my disease.  What did I do to deserve this man?  Why does he love me so much?  What does he see in me?  As he has pointed out…that is the problem… I have a  hard time seeing what is lovable about me.

I want so badly to be the woman he sees…. if only i could see her to.

the beginning

Hello all!

I am new to this blogging thing.  But…with that said…I have to have an outlet to get this out because if I don’t I might IMPLODE!

I am 46… married for 4 years…on my first marriage and also an alcoholic.  Yes, I will give you a minute cause that is a lot to take in.  My husband has 5  kids and one is deceased… and becoming a step parent in my 40’s has proven to be a challenge to say the least.  I an alcoholic…more of that will come out as we go i am sure…but for now, just want to focus on  my current situation.

All of the birds have left the nest except for the baby bird…. who is now 21.  Works approximately 10 hrs a week and has absolutely no responsibilities and I’m losing my mind.  I am a woman who came into this marriage being single for the majority of my life.  I had to learn to share and co mingle and co-habitate with other family members and it was definitely a struggle for this alcoholic who didn’t know she was an alcoholic yet.  My story takes lots of twist and turns…for now, I just want to focus on my situation for today.  I went to my AA  meeting…then to church… and I felt so strong and determined.  I have been sober for 1 day… this time.  One conversation with my husband about special requests from my son for groceries sends me over the edge.  We’ve actully been fighting about this all day.  I feel that as parents, we are required to feed and house our children until 18; after that we are being gracious enough to allow them to stay with us.  Please don’t get me wrong…if he was in school or have a full time job….. I would have a completely different attitude.  But he doesn’t . He works 10 hrs a week and plays video games all day.  I don’t feel he deserves any special requests.  Call me Hitler…I don’t care.  I feel if we continue to let him stay at a resort…then he will continue to take advantage of it…why wouldn’t he.  So long story short…yes I drank.  I’m not drunk…but its the first time in a while I drank because I wanted to…. recently I’ve been drinking out of habit… like I had to talk myself into it…rather than out of it.  This is such a complexing disease.  Hoping to meet some ppl on here who understand where I’m coming from .  If not, please keep judgements to yourself.  No one judges me more than I judge myself.